www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

 

Having a healthy divorce is essential, as it is the building block of a new relationship and important to the well being of your children.

Four steps to a healthy divorce are

 

 1. Evaluate

 2. Stop the Hate

 3. Communicate

 4. Appreciate

 

Evaluate means to take inventory of your relationship with your ex, to determine what went wrong.  You want to also figure out what is wrong with the relationship at this current time.  A good way to sort this out is to write down the following questions and answer them

 

  * What led to the divorce?

  * How do you get along now, on a scale of 1-10. Has this number been improving or not?

  * If you had to choose one word to describe your feelings towards your ex, what would it be?

  * What do you think needs to change in order to move forward to a more positive place?

 

Occasionally revisit, and rewrite this list.  You are looking for a steady improvement over time.

 

Stop the Hate.  An example of the emotional ladder you will climb after divorce is

 

  * Hurt and sadness

  * Anger

  * Bitterness

  * Resentment

  * Hatred

  * Neutrality or indifference

  * Like

 

Many people get stuck at hate, and cannot move up.  Holding hatred is a poison to your own system, and must be eliminated.  You will experience it in most cases, but it is so important to move past it as quickly as you can.

 

Communicate. This step can take years to accomplish, but certainly can be done.  In regards to your children, you want to get to a place with your ex where you can have a conversation.  This can be a slow process.  You may need to begin with corresponding by email such as a business type of relationship.  Eventually you should be able to have face to face conversations about important issues, such as medical, behavioral, and educational needs of your children.

 

Appreciate. It is important to come to a place where you respect and appreciate your ex as a co parent of your children.  At one time, there was love or admiration between you.  Instead of focusing on all of the negative traits of your ex, and what they are doing wrong, try to focus on the positive.  Always honor the relationship between the parent and your child.

 

If it is your ex having the difficulty moving on, or having the hateful feelings, there are some things you can do to help.  First, apologize if you have done anything to hurt or upset them.  Understand there is nothing that you can do to control someone else’s feelings and emotions.  Stay calm, and do not let them get you escalated.  Never speak poorly of your ex to your children, as this is very painful for them to hear.

 

If you have entered into a new relationship, you want to be sure your new partner gets along with your ex.   Likewise if your ex has a new partner, you will want to get along with them.  This is important for all children involved.  They love to see all of their parents/step parents getting along.

 

A big key in moving forward is accepting that your marriage didn’t make it.  This is not a failure if you can take positive experiences from that relationship.  Whatever was not positive, you can learn from it and move forward.

 

The journey of a healthy divorce can take many years to achieve, but it can be done with patience and love.

 

If you want to know more about me and my journey, read my blog on the website called How I made my divorce healthy.

 

If you have any tips on how to make a divorce a healthy one, please share them by commenting on the show notes at blendedfamilypodcast.com

 

Next Week’s topic is Dating after Divorce

 

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www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

 

This shows topics

• How long should you wait to date after a divorce

• How to figure out what type of partner you are looking for

• How to navigate this terrain with your children

 

How long you should wait to date depends on specific circumstances and your mental state.  Before moving on, you should be in a place where you are stable, and not actively grieving over your divorce.  

 

Before you date, you need to work on breaking old patterns.  Determine what patterns existed in your marriage that were detrimental.  In some instances, such as abuse or addiction, a good therapist can help you with this.  

 

When you are ready, work on your self esteem. A good diet and exercise program can help you feel healthier.  Do something for yourself to make you feel good.  Positive affirmations and self encouragement are essential.

 

Make a realistic list of character traits you are looking for in a new partner.  Also make a list of deal breakers, or traits that you absolutely cannot tolerate.  

 

Decide how you are going to meet people.  Determine if you will be open to blind dates or a dating site/service.  Join clubs and/or social groups to find like minded people.  Some good meeting places are parks, the gym, church, and school functions.

 

Accept plenty of dates, even if you know it isn’t a perfect match.  Enjoy yourself, and get practice at conversing with another adult without being nervous.  Keep initial conversations light, and minimize speak of your divorce and what went wrong.

 

When you are ready to introduce kids to a new partner, determine if it is the right time.

 

Elementary age children may need extra time, as they are maybe also healing from the divorce.  Take it very slow, and look for clues from your child to see how they are coping with it.  Keep talking to your child and answering their questions openly and honestly.  

 

Middle school children can be introduced quicker, but may be reluctant to cooperate.  If your middle schooler is full of angst and acting out behaviorally, take things slowly.  Again, keep communicating with your child.

 

High schoolers are less invested in the love life of their parents.  Though, in some case, feel it is their job to manage a parents life. If this sounds like your child, remind them that you are an adult, but appreciate their concern.

 

Remember that only you can make the choices that are best for you and your family, regardless of everyone giving you their unsolicited opinions.  Only do what you think is best for yourself and your family.

 

If you have any tips on Dating after divorce, please comment on the show notes at blendedfamilypodcast.com/3

 

If you want to know more about me and my journey, read my blog called Yes, we met at McDonalds

 

Next Week’s topic is Holidays and Traditions

 

To donate to the Hardman family, please click here. They suffered a tragic loss a couple of weeks ago when their blended family was in an accident, killing both parents and three of their children.

To join the community

• Subscibe on ITunes or Stitcher

• Leave a review

• Join the conversation on Facebook

• Visit us on twitter

• Visit the website at www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

• leave feedback, questions, or topic ideas to melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com