Having a Healthy Divorce-Episode 02

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Having a healthy divorce is essential, as it is the building block of a new relationship and important to the well being of your children.

Four steps to a healthy divorce are

 

 1. Evaluate

 2. Stop the Hate

 3. Communicate

 4. Appreciate

 

Evaluate means to take inventory of your relationship with your ex, to determine what went wrong.  You want to also figure out what is wrong with the relationship at this current time.  A good way to sort this out is to write down the following questions and answer them

 

  * What led to the divorce?

  * How do you get along now, on a scale of 1-10. Has this number been improving or not?

  * If you had to choose one word to describe your feelings towards your ex, what would it be?

  * What do you think needs to change in order to move forward to a more positive place?

 

Occasionally revisit, and rewrite this list.  You are looking for a steady improvement over time.

 

Stop the Hate.  An example of the emotional ladder you will climb after divorce is

 

  * Hurt and sadness

  * Anger

  * Bitterness

  * Resentment

  * Hatred

  * Neutrality or indifference

  * Like

 

Many people get stuck at hate, and cannot move up.  Holding hatred is a poison to your own system, and must be eliminated.  You will experience it in most cases, but it is so important to move past it as quickly as you can.

 

Communicate. This step can take years to accomplish, but certainly can be done.  In regards to your children, you want to get to a place with your ex where you can have a conversation.  This can be a slow process.  You may need to begin with corresponding by email such as a business type of relationship.  Eventually you should be able to have face to face conversations about important issues, such as medical, behavioral, and educational needs of your children.

 

Appreciate. It is important to come to a place where you respect and appreciate your ex as a co parent of your children.  At one time, there was love or admiration between you.  Instead of focusing on all of the negative traits of your ex, and what they are doing wrong, try to focus on the positive.  Always honor the relationship between the parent and your child.

 

If it is your ex having the difficulty moving on, or having the hateful feelings, there are some things you can do to help.  First, apologize if you have done anything to hurt or upset them.  Understand there is nothing that you can do to control someone else’s feelings and emotions.  Stay calm, and do not let them get you escalated.  Never speak poorly of your ex to your children, as this is very painful for them to hear.

 

If you have entered into a new relationship, you want to be sure your new partner gets along with your ex.   Likewise if your ex has a new partner, you will want to get along with them.  This is important for all children involved.  They love to see all of their parents/step parents getting along.

 

A big key in moving forward is accepting that your marriage didn’t make it.  This is not a failure if you can take positive experiences from that relationship.  Whatever was not positive, you can learn from it and move forward.

 

The journey of a healthy divorce can take many years to achieve, but it can be done with patience and love.

 

If you want to know more about me and my journey, read my blog on the website called How I made my divorce healthy.

 

If you have any tips on how to make a divorce a healthy one, please share them by commenting on the show notes at blendedfamilypodcast.com

 

Next Week’s topic is Dating after Divorce

 

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